Brother Ken Robertson's Answer:
The following is Ken Robertson's personal opinion and is not sponsored or endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). Keep in mind that although Brother Robertson has attempted to prayerfully understand this situation, it is impossible for him to know all the circumstances. With this in mind, please be prayerful, follow the Spirit, and glean wisdom from caring LDS Church leaders.
You have shared quite a lot in your email, and I really want to respond. Rather than get into a back and forth email discussion, I am just going to take what you gave me here. I hope it’s enough to help me create a response that will be helpful in some way. There is so much that could be said, so I will try to condense it down to the most vital essentials.
I want you to step back from everything and look at your marriage from a completely different perspective. It appears from your comments that your husband is NOT willing to “help” you in trying to improve the relationship. I want you to accept this as a given for right now. But I also want you to try something different.
I believe that you can create a real influence for change in your relationship. Of course there are no guarantees here (free agency of course), but if you will try the counsel I will give you for at least 4-5 months, you just might find things starting to move in some positive direction (and from your email, it sounds like even small steps would be appreciated). Before I get specific, let’s clarify some things:
Love is more action than feeling. We must learn how to love a person better.
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I believe that any two people, if they are willing to try, can find “love” between them that can grow and be especially sweet. This is true regardless of how you (or your husband) may feel at the moment. Harsh words about “never loving you” are just that – harsh words that do NOT have to guarantee an “unloved” future… but the road to love (or back to love) may be rocky.
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There are eight basic “needs” that comprise a committed, spiritual relationship. As individuals, we find ourselves needing one or two of these much more than the rest. All eight are important. But if our strongest needs can be met first, we are more likely to work on the rest of them, and more likely to reach out to help our spouse reach their strongest needs.
The first key is to determine what your strongest marital needs may be. The eight needs are as follows:
From your email, it would appear that you feel “left out,” treated at times like a doormat. To you, it feels as if you’re not part of a couple “team.” Your desire to help and be part of the team seems to be constantly negated (based on what you wrote). Given this, it would appear that “Problem Sharing and Listening” is your greatest need at this time. The current financial troubles are simply constant events that cause this “issue” of not being a team to be ever present for you. I’m not as sure about what your second strongest need would be. My guess is either appreciation (feeling affirmed for your strengths and support) or affection (feeling adored and cared about). Take some time to determine your two strongest needs.
Next, from these two needs, create two specific requests for some behaviors you would like to see from your husband that could in some small way begin to help you meet your needs. Think about the things he could do that would benefit you in some way. It could be as simple as “Could you sit down with me for about 15 minutes and listen to me share my thoughts about ___________? I don’t need you to solve any thing for me. I would just like you to listen. Could you do that for me?” The second request would be something that would help with your second strongest need. Once you’ve figured out the basic gist of your two requests, write them down and put them somewhere safe. Your needs are very important, but need to be saved for later.
Now consider what your husband’s two strongest needs are. Your discussion of his loving you at the beginning because you put him first in your life sounds like one of your husband’s strongest needs is affection. The message of affection is “I adore you and care about you.” There are two types of affection, symbolic and physical. Physical affection is the hugs, kisses, handholding, snuggling, etc., that most people think of. Symbolic affection is demonstrated in small gifts, cards, phone calls, and saying “I love you.” My guess is that his second strongest need is either service (the sacrifice of your comfort to help out your spouse in ways that he really likes) or sexual fulfillment (not only being willing to engage in sexual relations with your spouse, but trying to be the initiator at times). If you can determine at least two of his strongest needs you’re ready for the next step.
The next few steps get tough. After preparing yourself with a prayer, approach your husband at a time when he seems more relaxed and say something like, “Honey, I’ve been doing some serious thinking about myself. I want to try to be a better wife to you. I’m open to any suggestions you might have about what I can do to be better for you. You can share with me now, or take some time to think about it. But I seriously want to be better.” At this point he could respond to you in various ways. He could be serious, sarcastic, or worse…but no matter what he says, just take it in. Look beyond any anger or disgust, and try to discover what he really needs. Of course, he may not tell you and may just walk away. But no matter how he reacts, stay calm and DO NOT try to retaliate or attack him. Try to see through his criticism to the real needs he’s expressing (remember the eight I mentioned above). Without saying anything else, thank him, and quietly walk away.
Begin immediately to give your husband increased amounts of those two things he really needs. If it is affection, you will need to try to initiate physical or symbolic connections with him. Spontaneously give him a hug; without warning give him a peck on the cheek; drop little notes to him, etc. If one of the needs is service, ask your husband what special act of service you could do for him in the coming week, or seek to serve him in ways that are meaningful to him. If one of the needs is Sexual Fulfillment, try to initiate sex with him at least two times more than you currently do (set a goal to increase it more and more each month). Pray to the Lord and let the Spirit be your guide. If you need more ideas you can email me and I might be able to suggest some.
Now I realize that you will NOT feel comfortable doing any of this. You may feel insincere or hypocritical because you really aren’t feeling tender feelings at all. DO THESE THINGS ANYWAY! Remember that love is more an action than a feeling! The Savior taught us to “do good to those that despise you and persecute you” (Matt. 5: 48). In spite of your feelings, try to increase the meeting of his strongest needs. If he criticizes you, look beyond the anger to discover how you can be better at meeting those needs. Criticism usually contains within it the essence of unmet needs.
At the end of one month of doing this, prepare yourself with prayer, approach him and ask him how you are doing. Say something like, “Dear, do you recall that I really wanted to try to be a better wife to you? How do you think I’m doing?” Once again, he may respond sarcastically or with disgust. He could even ignore you. Do NOT retaliate or fight back to his comments. Once again, look beyond his anger or rudeness to see if you can learn how to adjust and meet his two strongest needs even more (he may even suggest in his comments that there is a different need that you need to focus on). Then quietly walk away and continue to work hard on meeting his two needs for another month.
What you are looking for eventually is a POSITIVE comment from him at the end of a month. He may give it to at the end of the first month, but I highly doubt it. My guess is that it will occur at least at the second month, perhaps after the third. But here’s the point: As soon as he says something like “I first thought you were kidding, but things are different,” you will be ready to share with him ONE of your two requests! But don’t do it immediately after he makes his positive comment. Give it a few days, perhaps a week or more. Then approach him and make your request. Try to word it as something you would like, NOT as something you wish he wouldn’t do.
Once you have made the request, pay attention to see if during the coming month he tries to meet it. If he doesn’t, that’s OK – he may still need more of his strongest needs met. But from this point on, make ONE request to him every month. When he does what you request, it will show you that he cares. In addition, he will be learning how to better love you. Make sure that you remember that NO ONE IMPROVES WITHOUT MISTAKES. That means see the positive in his efforts. Let him know that you sincerely appreciate his efforts! Do not punish him by criticizing his efforts because they were not “perfect” or exactly as you would want. Remember, he has to learn how to love you better. After about four months of his efforts, you should be experiencing more real positive feelings for him. This can be the beginning of positive change for the both of you.
Now there is the possibility that he will NEVER respond to your requests. But I think this is highly unlikely, because I believe that LOVE properly expressed over time, draws out the best in us. However, if it should be the case that he fails to respond after several months, turn to the Lord in prayer and CONTINUE TO GIVE. Your relationship cannot help but improve, because at least one of you is learning how to love the other one better!
I realize that the stress and strain of financial, emotional, and medical difficulties will make all of the above even harder to do. But I believe with all my heart that the Lord will help you find the strength to do it!
I pray that the above will be helpful to you. Let me also suggest that if you and your husband at some point in the future become willing to attend some “marriage enrichment” kind of experience, that you do so. If you are both willing to attend something like an MYM retreat, it will give you more tools to improve your relationship.
Finally, just so you know, the scripture found in Matt. 5 about saying “Yea, Yea” is talking about keeping one’s promises without having to “swear” that you will do something. It’s about integrity, and has absolutely NOTHING to do with wives (or husbands for that matter) blindly agreeing to every request made by another person. I share this with you NOT so you can run to your husband with it, but so you can understand that the LORD expects couples to work as TEAMS. You can have that kind of relationship, but it first takes learning how to love each other better by meeting each other’s strongest needs…
I pray that your marriage will grow in love! In Luke 6:38 Jesus counseled: “Give, and it shall be given unto you… running over.” Acts of service has such a profound effect that we can look forward with the hope of receiving “running over” blessings as well. Alma’s efforts to serve the unlovable King Lamoni brought tremendous blessings back to Alma, perhaps more than he could have ever imagined.
With courage, strength, and determination, the Lord can help you move the walls that divide you (which may feel at times like mountains)! Draw close to the spirit in your private prayers for His divine direction, feast on the scriptures, and draw strength from reading your own patriarchal blessing (or ask your bishop to receive a patriarchal blessing if you do not have one). God bless you in your efforts to love better, that you too, may give your husband the kind of meaningful love that he most hungers for, and that you may, in turn, also receive the righteous desires of your heart.
Ken Robertson, Ph.D. |
