Brother Ken Robertson's Answer:
The following is Ken Robertson's personal opinion and is not sponsored or endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). Keep in mind that although Brother Robertson has attempted to prayerfully understand this situation, it is impossible for him to know all the circumstances. With this in mind, please be prayerful, follow the Spirit, and glean wisdom from caring LDS Church leaders.
It’s good to hear from you. I hope I can share some thoughts with you that will help.
Addictions of any kind (shopping, pornography, etc.) can be extremely damaging to a marriage. In my own practice, I will suspend my usual marriage counseling and focus on dealing with addictions when they arise. I have discovered that until an addition has been addressed appropriately, it is much more difficult to move forward in a relationship.
I want to congratulate you on being proactive by reading a book that you found in the LDS Bookstore on the specific addiction that you’re involved with. I hope that your husband has read the same book or similar information. In addition, I would strongly encourage BOTH of you to seek regular professional guidance on this issue if you haven’t already. Pornography is HIGHLY addictive, and should be avoided, in my opinion, as though it were an illegal street drug!
There are several things which are prominent about addictions. That’s why it is so important that you seek professional guidance on this matter. Unfortunately, since I am not your counselor and do not work with you personally, I am limited by what I should say, so I have decided to focus on just two areas, and explain how they relate to your question.
The first is what I like to call “approach rationalizations.” These are the apparent rationalizations that an addict makes to approach closer to, and eventually engage in, his or her addiction. I like to view the addiction as having two components – the approach, and the engagement. Most addicts only see themselves as “giving in” when they actually engage in the addiction itself (viewing porn on the internet for example). The truth is different: Long before the tasting of the addictive activity occurs, there is a subtle, but very real “giving in” that occurs. These are the approach rationalizations.
Approach rationalizations are sly. For example, addicts to internet porn may really feel that they are honestly just “seeking information” on a search engine for some benign reason. The truth may be that for a particular addict, looking at search engines is the beginning of his “approach.” Soon after engaging in this apparently benign activity, the addict begins to rationalize in various ways (“I wonder if such horrible porn is found by typing various words I’ve never used. I better check it out. Then I can avoid this in the future. After all, looking at search engine displays is not looking at pornography.”). But one step leads to another, and eventually the addiction has been served.
The Lord has promised us that he will not allow us to be tempted above that which we are able to resist (1 Cor. 10:13). I believe this means that the Lord gives us the power to turn away from initial “approach” temptations. Unfortunately, what often happens is that the addict gives in to such “approach” temptations. The more he or she gives in to such rationalizations, the less power there is to turn away. From weak bonds to strong bonds, the addict becomes slowly ensnared by his or her own deception. A major key in overcoming such addictions is to learn one’s approach rationalizations and fight them! It is the first, early battles with rationalizations that one must become victorious over if the war over the addiction is to be won.
Approach rationalizations are embarrassing. To admit them is to feel like one is weak, a hypocrite, a liar, or worse. Often, addicts will become discouraged at succumbing to addictions, and feel as if there is no hope. The truth is that hope is found not in striving to walk away from the addiction when it presents itself, but in staying away from the addiction so that it never presents itself. When addicts engages in addiction, remember that the error lies not in “being weak” when faced with it. By the time they face it, it’s pretty much a done deal – there is no strength left. The real problem lies back several steps, when the addict had the strength, but allowed himself to accept his own deception. As a spouse of an addict, please understand this fact: your spouse’s battle is NOT with porn, but with himself… with his own thoughts that leads him to it!
The second issue I want to share with you is accountability. To me, overcoming addiction is all about accountability. The more accountability an addict is given, the greater chance he or she has of avoiding the addiction. Accountability means simply reporting. Reporting helps to overcome the secrecy that protects the addiction. For those of us who are LDS, it means first and foremost, regularly scheduled meetings with a bishop to brutally and honestly report our successes and failures. Even if your spouse has already met with your bishop in the past, he should be meeting with him at regular intervals to ensure that such regular reporting is occurring.
Reporting will include sharing with a counselor of course, but it should also include a trusted friend, who can congratulate when the addict has succeeded, and support him when he has failed. It is the responsibility of the addict to keep to a reporting schedule. If the addict misses his reporting time, the trusted friend must remind him of the lapse and insist on a time for the reporting to occur.
Who should the “trusted friend” be? Simply put, it should be someone who can be supportive when failure occurs, one who displays care and concern rather than anger when failure is reported. Ideally, this should be the spouse if the spouse can handle it. What I mean by this is that porn addiction can be experienced by the non-addicted spouse as a betrayal of love, and as such, can be viewed as an act of infidelity (which is completely understandable, and in a real sense, is true). If the non-addicted spouse can respond with mercy and love to reported failure, and the addicted spouse knows and understands that, it can be extremely helpful. The fear of making the spouse the trusted friend is that hidden resentment will “filter out” in other ways. The non-addictive spouse could use the addict’s problem to assume a “one up” position. Whenever there is a disagreement on other matters not related to the addiction, the spouse may try to “use” the addiction, bringing it up to suggest that the addict “owes” the spouse in some way. The problem, of course, is that the so-called “debt” is never fully paid, but continually used as an “argument” in order to assert the non-addicted spouse’s desires. It is my hope that you, as the non-addicted spouse, will not fall into this trap. Assuming that this is true about you, let me finally answer your question.
Let me suggest that you do not approach your spouse because you have a “sense” that he might be engaging in the addiction. Instead, have a discussion with him about your helping him by his allowing you to be someone he must “regularly report” to. Let him know that you are not in the business of wanting to punish him or be mad at him for times when he might fail, but that you truly want to help him by being someone he can honestly report to. Tell him you have learned that “relapses” are common, and that you feel that by his reporting to you both his successes and failures, you can support him and offer prayer for him in accordance with his current situation. Let him know that you believe that his biggest battle is not with the porn, but with the thoughts that lead him to it. Tell him that you cannot understand that battle completely and that you will not try to judge him as he tries to fight it.
Tell him that what you would like him to do the following: At a regularly set time and place, he will approach you and report to you how his week (or whatever interval of time is appropriate) went. Specifically, he is to tell you when he felt drawn and started to approach but stopped (a success), how long he went before he thought about approaching (a success period), when he succumbed to the approach and engaged in the addiction (a failure), and his thoughts about how he might win the next time he thinks about approaching. That’s it. He is NOT to tell you the content of the porn itself. It is also not necessary that he share with you his actual approach thoughts and feelings. If he chooses to share some of his actual approach thoughts and feelings with you, promise him that you will try to listen to understand and not try to judge him. Tell him that you love him.
If he responds negatively to the idea of reporting to you, remember that reporting is HARD! No matter how much you may reassure him, he may simply be too embarrassed and ashamed to want you to know anything much about it. In fact, such feelings of shame often drive an addict closer to the addiction to numb the feelings. So pray mightily for him. Softly ask him to pray about your request, because you would like to be there in this way for him. After a few days, find a good time to gently ask him how he feels about your request. If he is still resistive, and he has met with the bishop about his addiction in the past, you might try approaching your bishop and asking him how he feels about your request. He might be able to help your spouse become more accountable if he feels that it is appropriate to do so. Pray to the Lord for guidance on this and follow the promptings of the Spirit.
Remember to keep trying to be a source of joy to your spouse in other areas of your relationship. It is essential that you have fun times together (playtime), and that he interacts with you not simply as a source of potential embarrassment (because he reports to you), but as a friend, intimate companion, and admirer (by honestly finding things you admire about him and letting him know regularly).
Sorry for the long response. I hope some of this helps. I have also included some links to excellent articles written by LDS Church Leaders about Pornography. May God continue to bless you and your spouse as you grow in your marriage!
Ken Robertson, Ph.D. |
