Brother Ken Robertson's Answer:
The following is Ken Robertson's personal opinion and is not sponsored or endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). Keep in mind that although Brother Robertson has attempted to prayerfully understand this situation, it is impossible for him to know all the circumstances. With this in mind, please be prayerful, follow the Spirit, and glean wisdom from caring LDS Church leaders.
Thank you for your heart-felt email. I often hear from and treat couples in which one spouse is “less active” in the Church or is a not a member of the LDS faith, so I have several comments to make. Since I do not know either you or your spouse, my comments will be general and some may not be totally applicable, but I hope that at least a few will be helpful.
1) First, you must change the way you think about your situation. Stop focusing on the change needed in your spouse and start focusing on you. Only then can you “get out of the way” and allow your spouse to change as he becomes ready to do so. You need to start thinking: “What can I change in myself that will improve our relationship and provide the most conducive atmosphere for my spouse to change when he’s ready?” Of course it is right and natural for you to pray for your spouse to turn closer to the Lord – but don’t let that lull you into not working on yourself in the relationship! Change yourself, and leave your spouse’s change to the Lord.
2) Start asking and ponder the following questions:
How is my personal relationship with God?
How close am I to the Spirit?
How open am I to hear the Spirit tell me what I need to change in myself?”
If you are open, you will learn what you need to repent of and apologize to your spouse for. The most common sin in the world is the sin of mistreating other people. If you are human, you ARE mistreating your spouse - it is a given - we ALL are in some way. Ask the Lord to help you face how you're not meeting the needs of your spouse. Do you have “hard” feelings for your spouse in certain areas? When he speaks to you, do you find yourself getting defensive and angry quickly? If so, then you are letting the “natural man” side of you react to him. You must seek the Lord’s help to resist these reactions.
3) In your personal prayers, ask the Lord to help you put aside any anger or bitterness you may have for him. Ask for a forgiving heart. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean choosing to treat your offender with common decency and respect, and acting as if you felt no offence. Your anger and hurt will cause you to respond to your husband with looks (and comments) that show disgust and contempt for him. You must seek to put these away through forgiveness. Try to be gentler and softer towards him, regardless of his response to you.
4) Do not confuse putting your relationship with God first with putting the Church first. Remember that the Church is a resource to help you in your relationship with God. In addition, it is your fourth priority. The priority should be:
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Church
5. Community
Be very careful here. Your relationship with God is dependent on your keeping the commandments, which includes regular sacrament attendance, scripture study, repentant prayer, and service in Church callings. But your role as a spouse is your most important calling, so work hard to keep a balance. Don’t let your Church calling overwhelm the time you need with your spouse. On the other hand, you shouldn’t let “time with your spouse” become an excuse for not fellowshipping with the Saints regularly and serving in your calling. It’s a challenging balance that requires you to listen to the Spirit to guide you and help you.
5) Try to pray regularly alone with your husband (without kids).Have him pray if he’s willing, but if not, you do the praying. Tell him that it is important to you that he be a part of your prayer life. If he resists, tell him that he doesn’t need to say anything, just be with you. When you pray with him, pray for those things you would pray for as a couple… for strength, good decision-making, guidance, and protection. NEVER use your prayers to “talk to” or “preach to” your spouse, nor should you ask the Lord in these couple prayers to “change his heart.” The Savior warned against praying to be “seen of men.” Leave those kind of requests to your own personal prayer when you are alone. If he says something about not wanting to do “the Church things” anymore, gently tell him that this is not a "Church thing" for you, but a personal, spiritual thing for you. Remember that his joining you in prayer is NOT some sort of “trick” that will change his heart. Your spouse’s heart can only be changed by God when your spouse becomes open to it and you can’t control God or your spouse’s openness! But having your spouse pray with you will create an environment that will help you keep a softer heart towards him, and he needs that desperately from you!
6) Try to read the scriptures together (although this may be less possible, given how he currently feels). Remember that most people who become inactive still retain a testimony of the scriptures (particularly the Book of Mormon). If you can, read and then share your thoughts with each other as you “liken the scriptures” to yourselves. Once again, seek to reflect on specific principles of godliness: patience, faith, love, forgiveness, service, sacrifice, repentance, etc., that are deeper than the generic “be obedient” messages. While obedience is THE principle of the Gospel, it is also the message that is most resisted by the heart. This is particularly true if it comes from someone you have a really close relationship with (remember Laman and Lemuel). Unless the spirit directs otherwise, do not use the scriptures to “preach to” your spouse in this way. Focus on more specific principles together, and don’t try to change your spouse, let the Lord do that!
7) Seek to be more helpful to your spouse. Ask him if he would like you to do anything for him. Ask this often, being willing to submit to his legitimate needs.
8) At least one time a week, share with him something you genuinely appreciate about him, and do this without adding any request to it – let it stand on its own.
9) Try to schedule “play-time” with your spouse (date night). Make this is an affectionate time where you DO NOT talk about your troubles. Try to do something that you both enjoy! Also encourage him to join you in church social activities, if he’s willing.
10) You mentioned that your husband impulsively blurted out the idea of divorce in front of the children. Let me suggest that you gently approach him when he's in a calmer mood, and tell him that you are concerned about his feelings for your marriage, whether good, bad, or "ugly," but that you would prefer that he share his feelings privately with you and not with the children around. It is crucial that you are very calm and loving when you approach him with this, because your attitude can really make a difference for good or bad with these very intense feelings.
11) If he is willing, please consider seeking the outside help of trained therapist. Ask your Bishop what resources are available in your area.
If you find that he’s willing, it may be helpful for you to attend a "Magnify Your Marriage" retreat together or some other marriage enrichment experience. In my retreats, I discuss many of the things I’ve mentioned here along with other principles, in a relaxed, non-threatening environment.
In any event, I hope that I’ve provided you with some things that will be helpful.
May the Lord bless you on your quest for a joyful marriage!
Ken Robertson, Ph.D.
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