1.   Be a "Light Magnet":

When you act with Christ-like Love, it brings "light" to your relationship. This light attracts your spouse.

On the other hand, when you act in opposite ways (in selfishness, with angry outbursts, etc., etc...you know what I mean) then you create a kind of "darkness" (I call  "Natural Man Darkness") that pushes your spouse away from you emotionally.  When you act with enough Christ-like Love, your spouse will feel love towards you. But what often happens is that over time, because of resentments and bad habits, a spouse can end up acting with too little Christ-like Love (and more Natural Man Darkness), and the other spouse will "fall out of" love. So in a nutshell, I'm saying that couples (and marriages) will thrive if there is enough Christ-like Love.

2.   You Can ALWAYS Treat the Other Person Better:

OK, now see if you can follow this... You have made a promise to do something for your spouse.  But then, you forget to follow through. Fortunately, you remember BEFORE you are confronted by your spouse.  So what do you do? Well, you begin to justify in your head why you didn't do it. How? By thinking of ways to blame your spouse for asking you to make the promise in the first place! Finally your spouse confronts you and you explain that you didn't keep your promise.  Now when he/she gets upset - guess what? You're already prepared to blame him/her!  Because in your mind it's now HIS/HER PROBLEM that causes the disagreement - not yours!! Bizarre, huh?

 Whenever we knowingly fail to show Christ-like Love to our spouse, we begin to blame them to justify why we didn't act with kindness or service or whatever. Then when our spouse gets upset with us for acting negatively, we can blame them!  Now it's THEIR PROBLEM that causes the disagreement!  But the truth is that you must admit to yourself that you CAN ALWAYS LOVE THE OTHER PERSON BETTER...no matter how you feel they are treating you. Remembering that you CAN ALWAYS LOVE THE OTHER PERSON BETTER can bring more joy to your marriage!

3.   Think "WE" Not "ME":

In order for Christ-like Love to grow between a couple, each must seek to develop what I call "Empowered Humility" (I authored a book based on this concept, called "Humble Power").

"What in the world is 'empowered humility?'", you ask? Well, without getting into detail here, let's just say that a person who is being humble tries to show respect and tries to be of service to both themselves and the other person, regardless of their (supposed) faults. That means that a person acting with "empowered humility" will always consider the feelings of their spouse as well as themselves when making ANY decision. 

On the other hand, a person who IS NOT acting with humility is usually focused only on the feelings of themselves or the other person - never both at the same time. If we can try to always think of "WE" not "ME" we will seek out our spouse's feelings on ALL the decisions we make that affect our personal, spiritual, physical, family, and home life - even if the decisions seem to only directly effect us and not our spouse. The result - more tenderness and togetherness in your marriage.

4.   Bad Habits Scream, Intentions Only Whisper:

Picture this...Your spouse approaches you with some "problem" or disagreement. As your spouse begins to speak, you realize quickly that they are exaggerating or don't "have all the facts straight." You react STRONGLY, intending to clear up the confusion.  Then everything seems to blow apart. Suddenly, you're both accusing each other of different things... and it's downright UGLY! Sound familiar? What happened??

Most of the time, we act in ways that are NOT Christ-like towards our spouse out of HABIT. The problem is that our good intentions get buried underneath all those bad HABITS of words and actions. The bad habits that we display get in the way of the good words we are trying to communicate. We often engage in such bad habits with the best of intentions -- for example, we may be trying to make sure the "truth" is being told about us.  But our intentions (the ends), do NOT justify the means (our un-Christ-like behavior). These negative habits are usually so automatic, and happen so quickly, that we simply are not fully aware we are doing them. As a consequence of these automatic bad habits, our good intentions are completely lost to our spouse!

5.   Sit on De-"Fense," Before You Land on De-Ground:

The most common reason we react to our spouse in ways that are NOT Christ-like is this - we are seeking to defend ourselves from "attack."

The problem is that our defensiveness causes us to short-circuit the feelings of our spouse. We interrupt to correct, amend, and "add our two cents." What we end up doing is creating an argument in which trying to solve a problem has changed into the "Who Should Get the Most Blame" game. Ever notice how birds will sit on wires or fences and wait until they understand it's safe before landing on the ground to find food? We need to also sit on De-"Fense" and wait until we understand that our spouse has fully expressed themselves, before we "land on the ground" and seek solutions.

6.   We Train People How to Treat Us:

When we act in ways that are NOT Christ-like, we train others to do what is necessary to tolerate us. When we act in ways that are Christ-like, we train others to do what is necessary to treat us with respect and serve us. Which would you rather have?

7.  If You're Never Together, You Won't be Together Forever!: 

Having regular together time (you know, when you actually TALK to each other for a while) throughout your marriage is absolutely essential to keep your marriage together!

You MUST have regular together time (preferably without the kids) in order for your Christ-like Love to grow. There's another word for this together time...it's called COURTING!

8.   Lose Weight Fast!!! --- FORGIVE:  

Resentments are like anchors that weigh down a ship and keep it from moving forward.

Learning the principles of prayerful forgiveness will allow your marriage "ship" to move forward and grow. Unless you learn how to forgive and overcome grudges, you may make it impossible for your imperfect spouse to "make things right again" (reconcile). Oh, and by the way...you may also make it impossible FOR YOU to "make things right again" when you make mistakes!

9.   Wives need to make their husbands "Feel Like Superman":

Wives may often treat their husbands like children, correcting them and pointing out how their efforts are not sufficient. It's as if the "cup is always half empty" rather than "half full."

The problem here is that for most men, their sense of self is defined most strongly by their sense of competency. This is what I call the man's "Primary Respect Need." If wives can learn to help their husband's feel competent and powerful, they will become one very potent source for their husband's self-esteem, and their husband won't be as easily tempted to seek such nourishment from other sources.

10.   Husbands need to help their wives "Untangle the Python":

Unlike men, most women typically problem-solve by "working through" their feelings through talking. This process begins with high levels of emotion and ends with more logical thought. Being able to go through this with another person requires a woman to trust that they won't be attacked or interrupted through the process.

Husbands will often short circuit the process women need to work through their strong emotions, rather than just "being there" to listen. As a result, often women turn to OTHER WOMEN (friends, sisters, mother, mother-in-law, etc.) when they need to do this. If husbands can learn to be there as a listener without being defensive, they can become a powerful source of trust and comfort to their wives, and their wife won't be as easily tempted to share their frustrations regarding their married life with others.